Kevin Coello
Kevin's Humble Beginnings (13.7 Billion Years Ago) Kevin was born 13.7 billion years ago, within the cosmic afterglow of the big bang. Shapeless and nameless, this proto-Kevin wandered the stars for millennia, before finally settling Earth in approximately 69,000 B.C. Looking to find meaning to his existence, the proto-Kevin took on the form of a human with a massive, alluring belly, and allowed himself to be worshiped by the planet's earliest civilizations as a God - The Bongo God. These early civilizations used The Bongo God's powers for both good and evil, shaping the very fabric of our planet right down to the most minute of details. Eventually, however, they got reckless, and accidentally obliterated both themselves and the The Bongo God in one tumultuous lunch break. Kevin's Bohemian Upbringing in San Francisco Many centuries later, echoes of The Bongo God's power coalesced together, and reincarnated as one Kevin Coello in the early 1990s. After living blissfully for the first four years of his life in San Francisco, Kevin demonstrated his reticent Bongo God powers at age five, when he conjured a brick out of thin air in front his foot and tripped himself. While Kevin did not notice that he had conjured the brick, Tim Gettys - a random child that was passing by at that moment - had, and realized that if nobody looked out for him, Kevin would likely severely injure himself in the future in a similar manner. As a result, Tim and his younger brother, Not-Yet-Cool Greg, became acquainted with Kevin so that they could keep an eye on him. All the while, neither brother ever told Kevin of his innate abilities, nor did ever Kevin realize that he had them (and if he did, his subsequent concussion would usually black out any recent memories). Kevin's Science Career As Kevin, Tim, and Just-About-Cool Greg grew older, Tim started to become more and more concerned as to how he would keep Kevin out of trouble in the future. After much deliberation, Tim decided to recommend Kevin pursue a career as a scientist - scientists, Tim reasoned, are so orderly and risk-adverse, that Kevin wouldn't be in any sort of danger within the environments in which they worked. Tim sold the idea to Kevin as being a great way for him to get lab coat costumes for Halloween, and Kevin, in turn, spent every waking moment of his tenure at University studying to become a man of science. Finally, after a ton of work, determination, and coffee burritos ("hey, they taste better than they sound!"), Kevin landed a job as a scientist - at the Alameda nuclear disposal institution. After successfully scanning himself in to his first shift, Kevin immediately conjured a brick and tripped into a Electrified Vanadium turbine, which instantly vaporized him. Kevin Joins Kinda Funny After several weeks, Kevin succeeded in willing half of his body back into existence through sheer force of will. Fearful that nobody would house him or give him a job with the other half of himself missing, Kevin consulted Tim Gettys, who suggested that he help Kinda Funny with behind-the-camera work. It is for this reason that Kevin refused to be seen or heard during his initial stint at the newly-formed company; he didn't want anyone outside of Kinda Funny's hosts to have to look at him while he lacked both a nose and a set of legs (as well as several other internal organs that he were still vaporized at this time). In the end, however, Kevin's remaining body parts returned to him, leading him to finally reveal what he looked like to Kinda Funny's ravenous fans, and begin hosting a ton of Kinda Funny's content - including three unique and evergreen shows of his own. Today, Kevin is a backbone of Kinda Funny; the glue that keeps everything together, and the one that gives Nick Scarpino "The One."